My response to the complainer

In the time I've been here, I have carried hundreds of customers on tour. I have spoken with other drivers and we all agree that the overwhelming majority of people are pleased with everything. They tell us how good it was as they get off the bus, and of course, they tip us. We get many more customers who tell us we were recommended by previous customers than we get complaints. Nevertheless, something in our psyche forces us to focus on the Negative Nellies we occasionally get.
An email came into the office from a customer on a tour I drove last month. Dave asked for my reaction. Here is the way I would answer if I was the boss:
Dear Soandso,
Thank you for your comments on our tour package. We always appreciate customer feedback so that we may continue to offer the best tour product at the most affordable price.
Let me address each issue separately.
I am aware that the buses can be a bit noisy at times. The combination of 18 people talking, the wind outside, the large open carriage, and the rattles that come of driving over poorly maintained highways for 20 years make for a noisier ride than a late model Lexus may provide.
I discussed the non-functioning window with your driver, who informs me that as soon as you informed him of the problem, he provided a temporary solution to keep the cold out, then repaired the window as soon as the bus was at the destination. I wonder why you didn't simply move to one of the seven empty seats if the window was such an annoyance to you.
We receive many enthusiastic compliments on the lunch provided at the destination. I am sorry it was not to your satisfaction. Perhaps you did not notice that in order to serve several hundred people in a short time it is necessary to have hot coffee and tea set out cafeteria style rather than providing table service. The rolls and donuts are likewise set out in advance for speed and convenience as well as to keep costs down. I will suggest to the food manager that the bread come straight from the oven, and the donuts fresh from the fryer so that future diners, who will, of course, pay more, will not have to suffer through room temperature bread products.
Puppies lives revolve through five cycles: sleep, eat, sleep, play, sleep. The breeder has informed me that, try as she might, she cannot induce them to play the entire time the tourists are there, as they wear out from all the attention and must nap from time to time. They do not perform by the clock as do trained circus animals.
Likewise, your failure to see wildlife is wholly due to their wildness. We cannot compel them to appear on demand without taking away the wild part of the description. Captive animals are available for viewing in zoos all over the world.
Finally, you say the gold panning was cheesy and boring. Really? You didn't find gold with greater value than the cost of the activiy? If it was gambling you were after, you might have chosen a different cruise destination. The panning activity is wholly for the purpose of learning the technique for isolating the gold from the sand and gravel. It is designed to be entertaining, not adventurous.
As to refunding all or part of your money, let me suggest that you come back to Skagway another time. At no cost to you I will provide the following: sourdough starter, coffee, dried beans, basic cooking utensils, tent, blanket, shovel, and gold pan. I will take you to a creek where you can prospect for gold while standing knee deep in near freezing water. I will stop by at the end of a week to see how you are doing. If you have found enough gold to pay your passage, I will return you to Skagway for the trip home. If not, you may stay at the creek for another week. Be sure to keep the coffee and sourdough hot so the meals will be satisfactory. Knowing that you must find gold to pay your way out will keep it from being boring or cheesy. If you have one, you may bring with you a dog who never sleeps. He might come in handy in alerting you when wildlife is in the area.
Again, thank you for your comments. We continually strive to improve our service and product while keeping the costs affordable.
Your request for refund has been denied by the board of review at this time.